My First Mother’s Day

So many emotions… I feel compelled to share a little story:

On December 17th, 2016, I became a mother. I wasn’t sure what to expect or how it would feel, but the moment I held my little boy for the first time, the most intense love flowed through my veins in a way that I had never felt before. I shook. I cried. Those tears held a lot: joy, love, gratitude, pain, exhaustion… every feeling. Everyone around me was crying: My sweet husband, who fought through this raging war alongside me in our journey to parenthood; the nurses, who saw such beauty in what was happening before their eyes; the social worker, whose work days are full of tragedy, had a bright spot that day (a rare thing for her as I was later told). Our seven years of hard-fought and lost battles all came to a head that December day and God’s plan all made sense. Every fight. Every tragedy (and there were plenty). Everything. There were days that I buckled, thinking how very foolish it was to keep fighting for our family… year after year. Brick wall after brick wall. In my darkest days, God kept the embers going somehow… sometimes they were incredibly dim, but every now and then, the flame would ignite again and I’d have enough strength to keep going. I’m not one to give up easily, but let me tell you, this journey took superhuman will and determination.

Motherhood is everything I hoped it would be and more. I am in love in a way that I didn’t know existed. My son fills every little crack in my soul. I feel whole and complete.

So on this first Mother’s Day, the biggest emotion I’m feeling is gratitude. I’m thankful to God, my partner, my family, my friends, my coworkers and my precious son… but especially my son’s biological mother. I thank the woman who has split motherhood with me. She created him; her body nurtured him for 36 weeks and her unfathomable strength and sacrifice is not lost on me. Not one bit. We are forever connected in a way that no one but us will ever understand.

As for Ansel, the words are hard to put together. Jeremy and I could not have created a more perfect child. We fit together beautifully. That December day, a little baby boy and a broken-hearted couple needed each other in the exact same moment in time. His tragedy and ours brought us together in a way that only God could have planned. I love him and it’s a true privilege and honor to be his mother.

Happy Mother’s Day.



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